Fin.

It's been months since I have posted on this blog.
While I'm tempted to cushion this post with emphatic statements about all I've been up to, and how I did, in fact, finish my month of astanga yoga...I will resist.

The reality is that I'm just dropping this post to bring formality to the obvious; I've finished my time with this blog.

It's true that I've taken long respites before, and come back to post again. That is not the case now.
I'm moving on, as all living, growing, adventuring beings must do in this existence. It is for the better, and there are so many new projects and opportunities to stand in the place of this that I barely know where to begin.

So, goodbye!

Hatha - Day 16

Had a great regular class with my teacher today (I need to come up with a pseudonym I guess, since 'my teacher' applies to more than just her...)

I should first say that I discovered why I was feeling so terrible again yesterday, after having been on the upswing the day before - my body does not appreciate large amounts of vitamin c. I got some emergen-c, for the first time ever, thinking it would be a better alternative to something like gatorade because it had electrolytes and vitamins but not the sugar and fake stuff. While that logic is probably valid, I can't see how people use multiple packets of it in a single day. I was feeling very nasty with just one! Fortunately before I had any this morning I decided to use the google machine just to see if there was anything I should know about it. 1,000mg is a lot of C. Unsurprisingly, too much. Nevertheless, lesson learned!

It was wonderful to be doing yoga today and feel good. And also to be in the presence of so many great yogis who want to be in class, and have great energy, and to have such a great teacher. I realized that one of the greatest things about the teachers I have, and the classes I go to, and the yoga community I am a part of is the pure love that is shared. Every teacher loves teaching, every student loves the inquiry, and we all have a shared love of yoga. But it isn't just love as a passion for this common activity or path, it is love in a compassionate and human sense. It is interconnectedness and investment and respect. It is the balance of our humanity and our appreciation of our shared mortality, and also and intense positive recognition of what is possible.

The balance of light and dark, male and female, sun and moon. Hatha.

Ahimsa, Day 15

The yamas and the niyamas get a lot of overplay in the western world of yoga. They are very important, but as two of the eight limbs, all are equally important at their given moments of manifestation. But this is important.

I've been talking about this for two days now. About dealing with chronic illness, and maintaining a practice while trying to cultivate and appreciate a physical body that I am so often incredibly detached from, and yet inevitably tethered to.

Today my teacher's words echoed in my head as my mind mind fought to practice hard, and my body folded beneath me - "be kind to yourself."

And I read some this morning in the Hatha Yoga Pradipika. I don't read as often from this book, or at least nothing that I cite actively here on this blog, but it is one of the most valuable texts I have.
1.10 "For those continually tempered by the heat of tapa (the three types of pain - spiritual, environmental and physical) hatha is like the hermitage giving protection from the heat. For those always united in yoga, hatha is the basis acting like a tortoise."

I found today that my yoga was both the tortoise and the hermitage. I found a foundation of strength mentally, in my knowledge of yoga and the peace of meditation, as well as the wisdom of reflection and not attaching to the situation. I also found the hermitage in yoga asanas that did offer some relief, and in knowing that asana practice (although a big part of my life right now) is not all that yoga is. In fact asana alone is only a smart part of the path of yoga, and seeing physical obstacles to practicing asana must be turned into an opportunity to focus on other facets of the prism that is yoga.

I do not know why I have this health problem. I have not navigated the web of my karma to understand where it comes from, or where it will take me. I only know that today my body is not in condition to do asana. Somedays my mind is not in condition to do meditation - I don't get frustrated or disappointed then. Why should my physical condition be different? This itself is a form of tapas - seeing the obstacles in front of you and choosing to face them. My tapas today wasn't my physical illness, it was my mental state.

I only did a few asanas today. I only did what felt good. My mind didn't like it, nor my ego. But how can I cultivate a heart of compassion toward other human beings if I cannot grant compassion to myself?

Sivananda, Day 14

It's a fine line between helping and hurting, and when you are ill or in a compromised state of health it is really important to know your body, know your current state, and know about the type of yoga you are about to practice.

I woke up yesterday feeling weak, dry, and uncharacteristically stiff. The stiff joints were the red flag, as I almost never have this problem. My knees didn't were heavy, my hips hurt, and my right foot was irritable. My shoulder, however, felt okay. I spent the majority of the day sleeping and hydrating. When it came time to head out to my usual sunday class, I took a long pause to consider whether that would be the best thing for me after doing 'damage control' all day.

Swami Sivananda was a medical doctor who, after receiving training in yoga, developed his own approach to yoga as a holistic way of living. Sivananda has a focus on relaxation and wellness, and was developed (as I understand it) so that anyone can practice yoga.

In my usual sunday class, we go through probably 12 postures, beginning and ending in savasana and also going back to savasana throughout the sequence. We spend several minutes in each pose, and the atmosphere is calm and relaxed. For this reason, I decided to go. Knowing that some of my health problems are tied in to the nervous system, one of the things that is most helpful in recovering is to use yoga to balance things back out. While I was low on energy through the class, I did feel more aligned afterwards.

I would not have practice astanga yoga feeling or being in the state that I was yesterday. I probably would not have practiced hatha either, at least not a full sequence or class. The more I study yoga, philosophy or physical tradition, the more solid I feel in my information and ability to practice appropriately. And in practicing appropriately, I am able to get to know my body and mind better, and unify my intellectual capacity with the more tangible aspects of practice.

It's all a lesson in the importance of practicing your yoga; we go to classes in studios with dozens of other people, or watch reknowned yogis practice on dvds or in books, and we are constantly approaching these from the perspective of 'oh, so that's what I should be doing.' The reality is, each of those practicioners, reknowned or unknown, is practicing his/her own yoga. We can observe this as an example of yoga, but we each have to decide what yoga is right for us individually in the present moment.

Yoga with James Brown, Day 13

I am always amazed at the power of the mind.
I wanted to write that sentence to say "I am always amazed at the power of yoga" which is true, but in this situation inaccurate. Up until the moment I left my apartment this morning my body was absolutely falling apart. Having a chronic health problem, it is easy to forget how much of the situation is mind over matter. How I react to what is happening has a huge impact on how bad things get. And today was no different. It was pretty much like being in a building when the fire alarms are malfunctioning. The alarms just keep going off, evacuating the building, for no real emergency. And knowing that I had 4 hours of yoga, at least one of which would be really intense, ahead of me I was getting really worried.

I debated about whether to even go. Somewhere between knowing that I have to make the responsible decision for my body, and also that often the very thing I put off because of this problem is the very thing that will help. Ultimately I decided that I didn't physically feel that bad, and I did what I could to move toward the upswing and I headed on my way.
I walked all the way out to Bloomingdale, maybe a mile? Climbing some pretty serious snowbanks.

James' classes are grueling, physically. My muscles burn during the warm up. And during the rest of the class. His sequences are creative and deliberately planned from a physical perspective. He's funny. His music is good. It's a nice novelty to have once in awhile. I really value the opportunity to learn from him and experience his wealth of knowledge about yoga. But just as last time, I was listening to everyone rave about him endlessly after the fact, and I realized that for me there is a piece missing from his class. There is something that I get, associate, need, value, resonate with in my usual classes that wasn't there. Some element.

I'm still processing what that is, exactly. I'm close, but I haven't quite put my finger on it. I think it is an exemplary circumstance of "to each their own, to teach their own". If we never experience other styles, traditions, techniques, ideas we will never know what works for us. And if we never find what works for us, how can we then offer that unique perspective to someone else out there who maybe hasn't quite found their yoga?

And, I do feel better.

Astanga, Day 12

So this city has been 'snowed in' for nearly a week, and in that week most of us have been 'working from home' because offices were 'closed'. When you are out of your routine, especially when that is more or less out of your control, you tend to let things go. Sleeping in, eating whatever you have (because it isn't exactly easy to get to the store! and if you do, what's left to buy?), and generally not doing much.

Then you have that moment. After the event, after you've begun to feel the effects of the inconsistency. Agitation that is unexplainable. Try cleaning out the apartment. Calming music. Making art. Sleeping. None of it works. Then the light bulb comes on, and you're back in the game.

My shoulder felt stiff today, and the first few down dogs were less that comfortable. But the surprises were in Utthita Hasta Padangustasana where I was able to extend my leg out on both sides, and most of my jumpbacks to chaturanga were nice and controlled.

I finished the set of Janu folds and then hit savasana. Not going to push it, though I had energy to spare, which was a nice change. I trucked through the earlier parts of the series, which is a good sign that my breathing is more consistent and my pace is also better.

I meditated earlier today, for probably 30 minutes. I think that helped some, but I was quite wound up and when I finally stepped on the mat it just felt amazing. I'm planning some serious TLC on my shoulder in prep for tomorrow. It's finally Friday, for real.

Astanga, Day 10 & 11

This should really be titled 'non-astanga, day 10' because I did not do Astanga today.
Having taken the same spill *twice* down the stairs at the yoga studio in the last week, my knees are complaining and I have a finicky deep muscle strain in my back and shoulder. I originally upset my shoulder on Sunday on the first fall, and had nearly resolved it when I took the same spill again on Tuesday night. Now, nothing is helping except non-use. Being a very sinewy and freaky-skinny person by nature, even brushing my back against anything more solid than a pillow is painful. Nothing is broken for sure, but those muscles and soft cartilage between each rib are really unhappy right now.

It's all the more important that I rest up and get things back in order because I'm not interested in missing James Brown's class on Saturday. It will count toward my final required class in my Teacher Training, and the last time I took a class with him it was amazing.

I spent most of the evening yesterday planning for the class I subbed today - my first 'real' class ever as a teacher. I thought since it was the day after a blizzard and a lunchtime class I could probably expect 2 or 3 folks to show up. But holy mackerel, there were 17! Several beginners and new-to-the-studio students. The studio was freezing, but other than that it went well. I was so amazed by the wonderful dedicated (snow)gis who came to class. It was such a privilege to teach them today.