Hatha - Day 16

Had a great regular class with my teacher today (I need to come up with a pseudonym I guess, since 'my teacher' applies to more than just her...)

I should first say that I discovered why I was feeling so terrible again yesterday, after having been on the upswing the day before - my body does not appreciate large amounts of vitamin c. I got some emergen-c, for the first time ever, thinking it would be a better alternative to something like gatorade because it had electrolytes and vitamins but not the sugar and fake stuff. While that logic is probably valid, I can't see how people use multiple packets of it in a single day. I was feeling very nasty with just one! Fortunately before I had any this morning I decided to use the google machine just to see if there was anything I should know about it. 1,000mg is a lot of C. Unsurprisingly, too much. Nevertheless, lesson learned!

It was wonderful to be doing yoga today and feel good. And also to be in the presence of so many great yogis who want to be in class, and have great energy, and to have such a great teacher. I realized that one of the greatest things about the teachers I have, and the classes I go to, and the yoga community I am a part of is the pure love that is shared. Every teacher loves teaching, every student loves the inquiry, and we all have a shared love of yoga. But it isn't just love as a passion for this common activity or path, it is love in a compassionate and human sense. It is interconnectedness and investment and respect. It is the balance of our humanity and our appreciation of our shared mortality, and also and intense positive recognition of what is possible.

The balance of light and dark, male and female, sun and moon. Hatha.

Sivananda, Day 14

It's a fine line between helping and hurting, and when you are ill or in a compromised state of health it is really important to know your body, know your current state, and know about the type of yoga you are about to practice.

I woke up yesterday feeling weak, dry, and uncharacteristically stiff. The stiff joints were the red flag, as I almost never have this problem. My knees didn't were heavy, my hips hurt, and my right foot was irritable. My shoulder, however, felt okay. I spent the majority of the day sleeping and hydrating. When it came time to head out to my usual sunday class, I took a long pause to consider whether that would be the best thing for me after doing 'damage control' all day.

Swami Sivananda was a medical doctor who, after receiving training in yoga, developed his own approach to yoga as a holistic way of living. Sivananda has a focus on relaxation and wellness, and was developed (as I understand it) so that anyone can practice yoga.

In my usual sunday class, we go through probably 12 postures, beginning and ending in savasana and also going back to savasana throughout the sequence. We spend several minutes in each pose, and the atmosphere is calm and relaxed. For this reason, I decided to go. Knowing that some of my health problems are tied in to the nervous system, one of the things that is most helpful in recovering is to use yoga to balance things back out. While I was low on energy through the class, I did feel more aligned afterwards.

I would not have practice astanga yoga feeling or being in the state that I was yesterday. I probably would not have practiced hatha either, at least not a full sequence or class. The more I study yoga, philosophy or physical tradition, the more solid I feel in my information and ability to practice appropriately. And in practicing appropriately, I am able to get to know my body and mind better, and unify my intellectual capacity with the more tangible aspects of practice.

It's all a lesson in the importance of practicing your yoga; we go to classes in studios with dozens of other people, or watch reknowned yogis practice on dvds or in books, and we are constantly approaching these from the perspective of 'oh, so that's what I should be doing.' The reality is, each of those practicioners, reknowned or unknown, is practicing his/her own yoga. We can observe this as an example of yoga, but we each have to decide what yoga is right for us individually in the present moment.

Yoga with James Brown, Day 13

I am always amazed at the power of the mind.
I wanted to write that sentence to say "I am always amazed at the power of yoga" which is true, but in this situation inaccurate. Up until the moment I left my apartment this morning my body was absolutely falling apart. Having a chronic health problem, it is easy to forget how much of the situation is mind over matter. How I react to what is happening has a huge impact on how bad things get. And today was no different. It was pretty much like being in a building when the fire alarms are malfunctioning. The alarms just keep going off, evacuating the building, for no real emergency. And knowing that I had 4 hours of yoga, at least one of which would be really intense, ahead of me I was getting really worried.

I debated about whether to even go. Somewhere between knowing that I have to make the responsible decision for my body, and also that often the very thing I put off because of this problem is the very thing that will help. Ultimately I decided that I didn't physically feel that bad, and I did what I could to move toward the upswing and I headed on my way.
I walked all the way out to Bloomingdale, maybe a mile? Climbing some pretty serious snowbanks.

James' classes are grueling, physically. My muscles burn during the warm up. And during the rest of the class. His sequences are creative and deliberately planned from a physical perspective. He's funny. His music is good. It's a nice novelty to have once in awhile. I really value the opportunity to learn from him and experience his wealth of knowledge about yoga. But just as last time, I was listening to everyone rave about him endlessly after the fact, and I realized that for me there is a piece missing from his class. There is something that I get, associate, need, value, resonate with in my usual classes that wasn't there. Some element.

I'm still processing what that is, exactly. I'm close, but I haven't quite put my finger on it. I think it is an exemplary circumstance of "to each their own, to teach their own". If we never experience other styles, traditions, techniques, ideas we will never know what works for us. And if we never find what works for us, how can we then offer that unique perspective to someone else out there who maybe hasn't quite found their yoga?

And, I do feel better.

Astanga, Day 10 & 11

This should really be titled 'non-astanga, day 10' because I did not do Astanga today.
Having taken the same spill *twice* down the stairs at the yoga studio in the last week, my knees are complaining and I have a finicky deep muscle strain in my back and shoulder. I originally upset my shoulder on Sunday on the first fall, and had nearly resolved it when I took the same spill again on Tuesday night. Now, nothing is helping except non-use. Being a very sinewy and freaky-skinny person by nature, even brushing my back against anything more solid than a pillow is painful. Nothing is broken for sure, but those muscles and soft cartilage between each rib are really unhappy right now.

It's all the more important that I rest up and get things back in order because I'm not interested in missing James Brown's class on Saturday. It will count toward my final required class in my Teacher Training, and the last time I took a class with him it was amazing.

I spent most of the evening yesterday planning for the class I subbed today - my first 'real' class ever as a teacher. I thought since it was the day after a blizzard and a lunchtime class I could probably expect 2 or 3 folks to show up. But holy mackerel, there were 17! Several beginners and new-to-the-studio students. The studio was freezing, but other than that it went well. I was so amazed by the wonderful dedicated (snow)gis who came to class. It was such a privilege to teach them today.

Hatha - Day 9

I mentioned before how one of the neat things about doing Astanga is that I am able to focus on each pose as I do it, primarily because I don't have to figure out or worry about what comes next or how to get there. What I am going to do is already decided, I only have to focus on doing it.

On the flip side, being in class and having someone (the teacher) guiding you through each movement, and often adding cues for inhaling and exhaling offers the same benefit. Maybe I noticed that this week in class because I had also noticed it in my personal practice. Or maybe feeling that relief comes as a reflection of my underlying feelings about playing that role for myself. Do I trust the Astanga practice to guide me adequately? Am I feeling insecure about my ability to perform the asanas accurately and safely on my own? Or is it simply an enhanced appreciation for the trust I have built in my regular teachers and familiar environments?

Maybe some of each. Class on tuesday was more a mental endurance challenge than a physical one - which is not to discount either as better or worse than the other. Some of the best classes I've taken have been the ones that take a few basic postures and turn them into a mind-blowing exercise in will power and humility. This week though, the mental focus was almost a vacation from some of the physically challenging aspects of Astanga.

Astanga, Day 8

I practiced for 90 minutes tonight, though I only got to Marichyasana B (which I didn't do because I hate those half lotus poses). I added Bridge and Upward Bow, then hit Savasana.

I started out with a huge knot that I have had in my shoulder for a couple of days. I've tried to work it out, but it is very deep, and I wasn't sure how the yoga would affect it. My sun salutes were great, if slightly sloppy at the end of the B set because I was getting tired. Very smooth, very strong, and for the most part very accurate. I even found myself closing my eyes at different points thanks to doing that every week in Sivananda. My jump backs were great and solid, and my body warmed up very quickly. I did find myself getting a little anxious as I got heated up; I don't usually like getting really hot and sweating a lot since for me it is usually a sign that I am either sick or dehydrated. I think it will just take me awhile to get used to making that happen deliberately, because it is really quite important to keeping the body safe during the practice.

My shoulder was fine. Better even, as I got really warm. I bound almost everything (except those stinking half-lotuses), and my standing poses were brilliant. I did get a case of the dizzies after my wide-leg forward folds. I haven't figured out what causes that.

I did, for the first time today, appreciate already having my practice set out. I didn't have to sit down before had, or in the middle of a practice I had already begun, and figure out what all I wanted to do and in what order. It was already there - all I had to do was walk onto my mat and get started. I'm starting to enjoy the quiet time. And as I get the sequencing down, I am able to focus more on alignment or fine tuning my poses, and I get better at keeping present and counting my breath. The Sun Salutations and Standing Poses (except the wide leg forward bends) are enjoyable. Very cool since this is only the start of week 2.

Sivananda, Day 7

Ah Sunday.
Nothing like trekking through 30 inches of snow for nearly a mile on unscraped sidewalks and roads to go to yoga. On my way back, a couple even asked me if I had a good class! I did!

Sunday is Sivananda day - or 'Steveananda' as we like to call it because Steve teaches it. One of the best classes every week, because in all its simplicity it is as challenging or relaxing as I want it to be. There is no place I would rather be on a Sunday night than at yoga, keeping my mind clear from the stress of the upcoming week and remembering what's really important.

Sivananda yoga, like Astanga, consists of a set of poses that are traditionally performed every day. Sivananda is gentler than Astanga by a long shot, with a focus on relaxation. Inversions are done at the beginning, and standing poses are done at the end. The class has definitely become my weekend retreat of sorts. I also learn a lot about myself, and my mental and physical state, in that class. Because the class isn't necessarily physically intense, the little things come to the surface. And with all the time spent in savasana, it is not difficult to completely forget you are in yoga class if you don't keep your mind present.

In recognizing all the folks who were without power during this winter storm, or who suffered collapsed roofs or frozen pipes, or house fires, or simply didn't have enough heat, I was also reminded how very fortunate I am. My apartment is cozy and warm. I have food in my pantry, and warm clothes to wear. I have electricity and internet and hot water. I can even bundle up and trek out to the grocery store or a yoga class. Being able to take yoga at a studio, especially such a great one with such great teachers and fellow students, is a luxury. One I am incredibly grateful and humbled to have. With luxury comes responsibility - I have this knowledge of yoga, and I know that while many people do yoga in fancy studios with teachers and classes and 'yoga clothes', ultimately none of that is necessary. Anyone can do yoga, and anyone who does yoga will benefit from it. It is my responsibility to share my knowledge so that other people can know yoga and do yoga and benefit from it.

Astanga, Day 5

My practice today reminded me why this is an endeavor of Tapas.
Tapas, tapas, tapas. Distractions - the cat is getting into something, I don't really like this song that's playing, this pose feels really good, I wonder how hard it is snowing outside, I'm tired, I'm hungry, is it getting too hot in here? too cold?, what time is it?, crap what inhale am I on?

My head was swimmy after all the forward bends, but I finally started to get a little second wind during forward folds...Paschimottanasana is my friend, seriously. It's like someone plugs an IV into me and fills me with energy. Sadly it does not last long (yet).

I practiced for a full 90 minutes (with one break..stopped because I was hungry but ultimately hit the mat again!) I made it to Setu Bandhasana, but I'm not quite comfortable with the Astanga expression of that pose, and my second attempt at Chakrasana did not agree with my back - I take my back very seriously, so for me that was my body's hint that it had had enough for the day :)

Throughout the practice I kept trying to remind myself of two things: 1) that my teacher told me to be kind to myself. It's something that I know to do, but the fact that she chose that as her advice made it stick; 2) that this was only my third practice, and I will get farther and better. I'm a very patient person with everyone except myself, and my own high standards for myself often predispose me to fail at things I am actually good at. And ultimately this practice isn't about failure or success, it is about facing obstacles that stand in my way in all aspects of my life, and appreciating why they are there and the process of overcoming them.

A yoga teacher gave some somewhat off-handed advice to our teacher training group a few months ago that is very relevant to this endeavor:
"Yoga isn't about perfection, it is about the inquiry."

Astanga, Day 3

An incredible difference.
It certainly has to do with mental state, because my class yesterday was wonderful, and I may have had some soul stirring going on as well. I came to the mat today straight from the acupuncturist (whom I adore), and earlier than usual. I think my home practice would be much better if I could just start an hour earlier every day.

My body felt good today, from the get-go. Chaturanga felt good, up-dog felt good, down dog felt good. And the more I did the other poses in the series, the better each vinyasa felt. In fact, I stopped to check the time today, after doing the series through Marichi's twists, and realized that I had gone much farther in the series in just an hour than I had on Monday. Because I had meditation group this evening, I skipped to bridge and upward-bow, and then finished for the evening. Sometimes dinner is yoga too :)

Even though the flow is a little choppy, as I am still learning the sequence, being able to perform them with the correct breathing and with some reasonable pace while my body still feels great is a really amazing process. I did find today though that I am a total space case when I am doing this practice. Especially during the beginning salutations..I get into a groove and then all of a sudden find myself in down-dog just chilling, and completely forget where I was in the sequence. Or I will think of something I need to do right about the time I come back around to a samasthiti, and nearly step off the mat to go do it! Focus. This practice will clearly also be an exercise in focus.

My David Swenson book was delivered today, so my next practice will have the benefit of some real guidance. I'm looking forward to that.

Hatha - Day 2

Sometimes having the opportunity to practice with a small group of familiar people, all of whom are near the same level of asana practice as you, and with a great teacher whose style suits you is just what you need.

I have that opportunity every week. I am so fortunate. It is a class I always enjoy, with people who are not competitive or neurotic about their mats or their for any other reason beyond the love of our teacher and our practice.

While I am undertaking the challenge of Astanga, having these regular classes that are not astanga and that are comfortable to some degree is an amazing reprieve. My teacher told me today to remember to be kind to myself. I have been, but her comment reminded me of the delicate meeting place of the yamas and niyamas.

Tapas often involves voluntarily subjecting oneself to unpleasant things, but there is a difference between this and harming or injuring yourself. Intention plays a big role, expectations too, and and acknowledging and appreciating the aspects of yourself that make each obstacle a challenge. Tapas is undertaken with the realization that the obstacle is preventing you from moving forward, from rising above, from fully recognizing all the yamas and niyamas at your greatest potential.

It's true that many people choose to undertake a practice of tapas, but we don't always choose to enter Tapas moments - for example, you may find yourself on a conference call in which your boss is screaming unnecessarily and agitating everyone around you, and yourself. Tapas becomes tapas based on the way you choose to react or deal with the situation - either to challenge yourself to overcome the obstacle, or to fall back into your habits and tendencies.

I love Hatha yoga, and as far as study and practice go it is where my interest lies. But all paths of yoga and all traditions have remarkable qualities. They all have something to offer at some point in your journey (why do you think so many excellent teachers have practiced so many different styles throughout their careers?) At this point, I have noticed that not only do I have a fear/concern that I won't be able to maintain my interest in yoga, I also see in myself the very changeable Vata qualities that are dominant in my personality. I don't like routine, I don't like monotony. I have hundreds of interests, and to some degree I consider myself a Jane of all trades because I have tried and investigated and toyed with so many different topics and issues and hobbies. For me, the challenge of astanga is Tapas because the consistency and routine, as well as the intensity and length of the practice go against a lot of my natural qualities. But it is not just a physical tapas, it is a mental tapas.

I want to demonstrate to myself and my teachers that even when it gets tough, even when I don't want to do it anymore because I am bored or frustrated or tired, that I recognize those are just aspects of the fluctuations of consciousness. They don't represent my potential or my current ability, or how far I've come. And that I am willing and able to work through those.

These obstacles are small compared to others I will probably encounter, but we all have to start somewhere. I am starting here.

February Yoga Fun

I've decided that for the month of February, I'm going to focus my home practice on the Astanga Primary Series. The idea started out as "I'm going to do the Primary Series every day", but I quickly realized that going to 2-3 classes per week, and having one 'nothing' day each week, didn't lend itself to daily Primary. So I am going to go to my regular classes, with some additions, and do the Primary Series as my home practice on the other days of the week. I will leave Saturday as my 'nothing' day as is done in Astanga tradition.

Oh yeah, and I'm going to try and blog about it. Every day.

Two of my favorite blogs are The Reluctant Ashtangi and Yogic Muse; Kaivalya over at TRA blogs almost daily about her practice, which focuses on Ashtanga yoga, but is almost entirely technical in nature about the practice. Brooks at Yogic Muse is always sharing fantastic inquiries into the philosophy and principles of yoga, and they are incredibly insightful and thought provoking.

I'm going for a little of both. I don't see anywhere in my yoga practice where the physical asana and the theory and philosophy don't overlap. And for me, neither is adequate on its own. Asana would be monotonous and boring without the theory, and the theory would be heavy and inapplicable to my personal experience without the asana. I also happen to be in the process of this very huge and deep inquiry into yoga and is meaning for me, and a lot of other related ideas, and so my brain is going to have a lot to chew on over the next few weeks. I think this combined with the process of Primary Series will be a brilliant combination.

I'm starting out with just my pocket guide to PS, which is 7 or 8 sheets of paper with the sequences in order, noting vinyasas. Very bare bones, but it points out some modifications/advancements, and is pretty easy to follow. I've also ordered David Swenson's guide to Astanga which is much more detailed, so in a few days I will get to use that.

I haven't practiced the Primary Series in awhile (not since early December) because of sickness and business and other things. My last practice with it made it to Marichi's twists, and then I jumped to Savasana. The 90 minute practice is vigorous, and it takes a lot of discipline to make it all the way through on your own. In this way it will also be a practice in Tapas.

Eventually I'd like to make PS a morning practice, and rise with the sun to do it before I start my day. As spring comes that will be a more likely prospect, but morning yoga is a huge challenge for me because it stirs up all sorts of anger and frustration and general grouchiness! That tapas needs to be saved for another month :)

February 14th

February 14th is a significant day for a lot of reasons. The obvious being Valentine's Day. It is also the anniversary of Arizona and Oregon becoming states in the union (not in the same year), as well as Frederick Douglass' birthday.

A few notable events from February 14th:
- 1803 Chief Justice John Marshall declares that any act of U.S. Congress that conflicts with the Constitution is void.
-1899 Voting Machines are approved by Congress for use in Federal Elections
-1920 The League of Women Voters was founded
-1924 IBM was founded

My thoughts on Valentine's Day are generally of the anti- variety. I think the "holiday" is far too consumer-focused, and seems inherently exclusive. I think if you want to have a special day to celebrate your relationships (other than your anniversary..) there's nothing wrong with any of the other 364 days of the year.
I think there is value in having a designated day to focus on appreciating the people who are special to you, but at the same time I think we should all be doing that every day. I have never had a valentine, which probably contributes to my lack of appreciation for the day. I also think that people who have never spent a valentine's day alone (I don't mean alone as in without a significant other, I mean alone as in by yourself) don't realize how very exclusive the day, and the hype surrounding it, starts to feel.
I also tend to back away from things that are surrounded by a lot of hype. Valentine's Day is very very hyped up. Ads everywhere, whole sections of stores are devoted to red, white, and pink stuff, you can buy special new valentine's themed coffee drinks at your local caffeine source, and everyone around starts wearing pink and red and getting flowers and making dinner reservations. HYPE.
While I can say from experience that it isn't fun to be the only one not getting flowers on valentine's day, I also think it is so much more meaningful to be sent flowers on a random day of the year when there are no massive media campaigns telling you it would be a sweet idea.

All of that being said, today I am making a point to try and take the positive messages of the day to heart. I am doing some things for myself that I have been putting off. I am generally going to enjoy spending the day with myself (because I think I'm pretty awesome, and nobody knows or appreciates me as much as I do!)

I am also going to make a contribution to a couple of charities/relief organizations in the spirit of appreciating those around me. For me, remembering what is meaningful and special to me also comes with the burden that so many others are not as fortunate and do not have the food in their fridge, the roof over their heads, the income, or the loving circle of friends and family that I have.

So in spite of my anti-valentine's day attitude, I hope that if you are reading this you also consider taking an alternative approach to valentine's day and giving something back to the community of people and organizations out there who work to make people's (and animals') lives better every day.