So I have been thinking a lot about what I want to say about the transition into 2010. I'm not sure I've quite settled on a particular message, but I have been reading what others have to say and it is obvious that 2009 has been a great year for reflecting and getting back to basics.
The weather is cold and damp today. I have a cold (and have for a week; being at my parents' was not conducive to a quick recovery) which is the first one I have had since last March. Additionally, since I just got back into town last night, I have nearly zero motivation to do anything.
While I was home I did a lot of 'important' business sorts of things, like renewing my driver's license, and getting my eyes checked, and having some cavities filled (without freaking out, for the first time ever). I did Christmas things with both sides of my family without getting overwhelmed or frustrated or anxious. I went with my dad to visit his sister for the first time in probably 20 years. I spent a lot of time with my parents, and talked to my dad about some serious, grown-up, no fun oldest child sorts of things. We played wii, and guitar, and Clue, and watched home movies, and shopped, and hung out, and drove around town, and talked, and laughed at Booger. It was nice. It was the first holiday like this with my family during which I was not anxiety ridden and wrought with stomach problems and stress.
In 2009 I spent the year completely satisfied with just myself. It is an important point to come to in life when you can feel complete and satisfied and happy just being with yourself. Now I find myself walking the threshold between being happy by myself and being happier alone than with others. All about balance, I suppose.
I traveled across the Mississippi for the first time, to Arkansas to visit one of my greatest friends. Another one of my friends came all the way across the country to visit, for the first time in a couple of years.
I found an amazing yoga teacher, and an equally amazing community of yogis whose presence has enriched my life tremendously. I began working toward my RYT-200 teaching certification for yoga, and stepping up my commitment to study and practice.
I also began illustrating with The New Gay, and through that found a fantastic corner of the lgbtq community here in DC (though now it is more like a Wing, than just a corner!)
For 2010, I am suspending all my expectations. I know that there are ups and downs in life; that all good and bad things will eventually pass; that I cannot fathom now, and probably will not remember later, all of the experiences I will have.
For my part, I will try to focus on these three specific ideas -
Ruth - I think we often lose the meaning of the word in the biblical reference and the usage of the name, but the word ruth (n.) means compassion, having heart, mercy. It is interesting to confront the human tendency to be critical and imposed when someone judges us, or treats us poorly, and the ease with which we then turn right around and treat others the very same way with little consideration for how negatively we know those actions affect our very selves. Understanding that not only are all our actions intrinsically connected, but each other person in this world - even in their uniqueness - provides a mirror for us to see ourselves. I want to try to appreciate the qualities in others, especially the difficult qualities, so that I can offer greater ruth to everyone I encounter. I think Suzanna put it best: "Here's to learning how not to be unkind in 2010."
One of my gifts this christmas was a season of one of my favorite former tv programs - Felicity. I readily admit that I am a product of the WB's teen-soap late 90s programming. But one of the episodes has a message that I want to embrace in the coming year - essentially, that the heart is a muscle and it gets stronger the more you use it. That means the hard things and the wonderful things make your love stronger and better. It is easy for me to shy away from even basic situations that require a lot of emotional investment in order to prevent having to suffer the misery that is heartache. Some things are unavoidable, of course. But this coming year I will make more of an effort to engage myself fully in what I do and who I am with. I've developed the enviable skill of being able to be genuinely warm and thoughtful without investing my emotions in a situation. This year I am putting my heart into it.
Finally, I am going to let go. This obviously encompasses a lot of things. Over the last year I've come to understand more than ever how my judgments, energy, actions, and attitude don't just affect me. My lack of control of my own mind lends itself to unease and chaos in the transactions between my emotions and my actions, and my judgments and attitude. Hanging on to expectations leads to disappointment and frustration, which often manifest as negative attitude and behavior. This is also relevent to hanging on to other people (or our perceptions of others). This attachment not only holds us back by preventing us from being open to other people and outcomes, but weighs on the people we are attached to. Attachment to other humans is a type of imposition on those people, and doesn't respect or honor their autonomy. Letting go also means not worrying about everything, not taking things personally, and not holding on so tightly to things that aren't permanent in the first place. Ultimately, letting go leads to being present, which is always worth working on.
Here's to 2010 - may you be kind to others, see the value in all your experiences, and love like you never have before.
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