So it has been awhile since I wrote a post here. That's mostly because I've been incredibly busy, though it is hard to articulate the things I've been busy with. Mostly, autumn just always brings me a feeling of being very impermanent, very temporary - kind of like the idea of a hummingbird, moving so fast and yet in moving that fast they are so still; and they never seem to lite, though they actually do when they are out of view - and I've had plenty going on.
Primarily, I've started my 200H Yoga Teacher Training. It was an internal debate for me to decide whether or not it is the right time for me to do the RYT-200 training. However, after 2 weeks of it I definitely see that my concern about being too naive in my exposure to the philosophy and concepts of yoga was very unfounded. In fact, so far I haven't encountered much in that respect that is completely novel. There are obviously many ideas and esoteric concepts that I don't have an in-depth knowledge of (actually, I wouldn't claim to have an in-depth knowledge of ANY of them) but I have encountered them, seen them, read about them and heard about them before. It is amazing how we allow our minds to deceive us under the guise of protecting our sensitive selves from harm. Deep down I've known what my real conflict was in debating about the program: getting up in front of people to present or teach or speak.
We did our first 'round-robin' teaching today. Each person in our TT group takes a turn teaching the rest of us the sequence we are studying. I went first. It wasn't perfect, but it was good. And imperfect was okay. The best part is that it didn't feel foreign. I was nervous, but not very, and once I got started I had so many ideas and so many things I wanted to say that I actually got excited about it. I always feel like I've learned so much just from being a student of yoga, but I get frustrated that I can't articulate what I feel I've learned. We had a long lunch break and I took a walk and reflected about the morning's teaching, and it was refreshing to just feel proud and good with myself, and not feel critical or sick about little mistakes. I was impressed with all the things I even thought of wanting to say, nevermind that I didn't have a long enough time to get to them all, or forgot some.
Many years ago, I was a very bold and outspoken person. I would give a piece of my green but determined feminist mind to anyone who would give me an inch. I was the lead in my high school's play. I was in speech and debate, and I never cared what anyone thought about what I had to say. Eventually, several traumatic events compounded with escalating peer abuse and bullying took its toll, and I withdrew. Throughout college I identified myself as someone who had tons to say, but was too shy to say it - socially anxious, withdrawn, and lacking in some assumed normal people-skills. I felt clueless and nervous in social groups, had few friends, and it seemed that everyone around me was cold and critical. It was only fairly recently that I realized I was never truly that person. There isn't actually anything wrong with me or my social skills. And the brave and passionate person who enjoyed sharing and teaching and giving still exists, she was just pushed down deep because I let other people convince me that she was inappropriate.
It's amazing the power that other people can affect. In this world we all frequently wield that power with very little regard for the others who are bearing its weight. In recognizing that these traits I thought were lost (or in some cases, I forgot I ever had in the first place) were still there waiting to be utilized, I also came to feel great compassion towards myself as a person. In Buddhism, there is an idea that in order to feel compassion for others, unconditionally, you must first feel compassion for yourself. What is there in others that is not also in you? When you are completely appreciative of yourself, for good and bad, you place greater value on both what you bring into your body and mind and soul, and also what you put out.
Teaching is in my blood. My mom is a teacher, as are many of my relatives. Both my parents love teaching and guiding others. My life has been filled with stories about members of my family giving to others, my grandparents working themselves to the bone to ensure that my parents had a chance to succeed, and their children helping people in need as a part of their regular routines. I'm also fortunate to have friends who are some of the best examples of human beings anyone could ask for. We all experience the things we do for a reason - everything we go through is a building block in who we are and who we are constantly becoming. I'm bringing back the brave girl. She's been growing up and learning and becoming ever more compassionate and appreciative of others' experiences. I've found something I'm passionate about, and it would be a disservice for me to sit back and choose to be passive when I have so much to give.
I think I passed a threshold today. I CAN do this, and I want to do this. And I love it.
That's amazing.
Keep an eye out for more about teacher training. It's a lot of work, but it is already worth it.
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