"Elle a" translates from french to "she has" I used the name Ella, which means girl, or young girl, as a play on the french phrase.
I attempted to explain the idea behind this project in an earlier post, but I think Dostoyevsky expresses it best: "We sometimes encounter people, even perfect strangers, who begin to interest us at first sight, somehow suddenly, all at once, before a word has been spoken. "
here is a peek at the pieces, as promised:
1) Heart of the Matter 2) Downpour
3) Beaches/Birches 4) Canned Goods
it's an uneasy feeling to put my work up like this, even though I think the sharing is good for me, so even though they are watermarked I'm not entirely sure I'll leave them up for a long time. Enjoy them while they are here :)
Well, it's been almost six months and what have I been doing? Visiting this blog everyday and not finding that final push of inspiration to share things with you.
Granted, Fall always brings with it that thing I like to call the "artistic twilight zone." A haze that settles over my conscience, and makes it even more difficult for me to be present and not in my head. Fall also brings emotion and nostalgia and inspiration, and a craving for love much like that of summer only heavier and darker.
I've been painting a lot. Creating a lot. Changing a lot. And I've been focusing on my friends, as we have all hit that point in the cycle of reality where tough things are happening to everyone we care about, and each of us, at the same time. I feel we are in the upswing now, but the last couple of months have been trying.
Some things since I last posted-
1. Rachel Maddow. This woman has stolen my little intellectual heart. She feeds my daily need for intellectual, witty, political information, and adds a huge side of queer. I cannot emphasize how amazing it is to sit down every night and see a lesbian hosting a prime time show, without protesters banging down the door and blacking out the channel. I know there are a lot of people out there who will say that I shouldn't care that she's gay, and I agree with them to the extent that being gay has nothing to do with her ability to do the job nor does it make her more or less of an incredibly intelligent and admirable woman. However seeing that reflection every night, that representation in the mainstream, is something so meaningful to me that I cannot explain it in words.
2. Obama. Never have I been so elated and so heartbroken at the same time. I watched with two of my favorite people in the world, and for a couple of hours, watching the coverage after the election was called for Obama, we forgot about the negativity and fear and stress that we all carry with us everyday. Living in DC, there are a thousand things that ran through my mind when Obama won. How the city will change. How can we make it change? I never imagined that in my twenty-something years I would be witness to a transformational period in American History. If we don't think this is as huge as JFK, and Martin Luther King, Jr. and the hippy 60s, we are fooling ourselves. This is huge, and I am so excited to be alive for it!
3. New Music. Not surprisingly, it's been a great year for music. In July I was fortunate to see Brandi Carlile and the Indigo Girls at Wolf Trap. Wolf Trap is a concert ampitheatre in a national park. It is green and beautiful, and the Filene Center where IG played is made of beautiful wood and has phenomenal sound and amazing views of the stars after dark. I sat alone, because the girl who was supposed to come with me backed out only a couple of hours before. I had great seats, and a great view, and I have no doubt that being alone made my first experience seeing Amy and Emily all the more monumental. That concert was an incredible feeling of solidarity, and of imparting wisdom, even though I listen to those songs all the time. It was a rite of passage to be sure. In addition, I've been listening to plenty of new bands, bands new to me: The Organ Rachael Yamagata Ben Lee Kings of Leon Ellis CSS Peaches 11 different version of Wonderwall by Oasis and some new Tegan and Sara (I am in love with Give Chase)
3. Books. I've been reading, and that's a very good thing. Right now I'm halfway through No One Belongs Here More Than You, by Miranda July. Jury is still out on it, for now. I've already finished: Baby Remember My Name: An Anthology of New Queer Girl Writing, Edited by Michelle Tea I Was Told There'd Be Cake, by Sloane Crosley - A+ and one of my new favorites Come to Me, by Amy Bloom The Well of Loneliness, by Radclyffe Hall - brilliant. I don't care what anyone else says. Margaret Mead Made Me Gay, by Esther Newton The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying, by Sogyal Rinpoche - this book changed my life.
Still to read: The God Delusion, Richard Dawkins - I've been wanting to read this for a long time, and I've started, but haven't finished it. It is brilliant so far though. The Omnivore's Dilemma, Michael Pollan Their Eyes Were Watching God, Zora Neale Hurston Cesar's Way, Cesar Millan and a slew of other books I've started and haven't finished.
Jeanette Winterson is causing my brain to shrivel up like dead plant. So I'm taking a break to blog :)
It's funny how life is, deciding to throw the most random stuff at you, just as you're getting to the point of having things worked out. It constantly proves to me that I am both smarter than I get credit for, and at the same time woefully insignificant in the grander scheme of the universe. I'm okay with that.
I've been working on a new painting lately, and doing a sort of photo documentation of it's progress. I want to be able to go back and point at the moments in my process that I totally destroy the preconception and let the painting itself start making the decisions about its fate. While I'm doing this, life brings up my one greatest vice (which, inevitably, is my greatest challenge in the same). This happens to be other people. In general and in specifics. In general, other people are what i understand most and least, relate to most and least, and appreciate most and least. They cause me the greatest pain and greatest joy in my life. And for me they are the great puzzle. I've never been perplexed by questions about the mysteries, secrets, or the point of life. I've never concerned myself with the idiosyncrasies of nature, because those seem to be very logical. People, however, are the pinnacle of my wonderings.
It is, additionally, a well known fact that in specifics I will carry flames for other people with whom I have been able to connect for eternity. For as long as my spirit exists, those flames will burn. I don't trust people easily, nor do many people understand or really know me. When I find a person who touches my mind, and on rarer occasions my heart, I hold on tight.
The magic of this is that my paintings seem to reflect the periods of my life clearly, and at the same time they hold their own separate identity. The painting that I am growing right now is doing that very thing. It is also becoming obvious to me that some of my work is clearly reflective of my heart, while other pieces are clearly reflective of my mind. The two are very different creatures.
The painting will be done in its own time, and then you will be able to see the whole project. Until then, I'll leave you with this, because I was never as much a master of words as I have been with a paintbrush...
Lines of my forehead, from trying to thread the needle of this idea, without letting you know it.
If you said I could I'd throw the maps right out the window, take the longest way home.
I just finished a graphic project I've been working on. It is based on one of the paintings I did this past spring.
Having finished it, I finally feel like I've accomplished something worthwhile after spending pretty much the last few months feeling like a failure because I can't seem to get a job. (yes, I'm still unemployed. please don't ask me about it.)
Additionally, I decided (well, not decided - but it's easier to deal with if I say it was my idea) to have an existential crisis this summer. It was long overdue, I feel. Consequently I feel more out of place and unsettled here at home than ever.
Anyway, I'm still plugging along at the job search. Doing everything I can. Though I'm thinking of doing some graphic design stuff and maybe an art business on the side (i.e. I'm going to be an artist and paint things that maybe people will want to buy?) Anyway, that's only if I can bring myself to detach from my work. Right now I love all my work so much I couldn't sell a lot of it - not in a narcissistic way, I'm just very emotionally attached to each piece.
I'll probably put the project on display somewhere, though I'm looking into copyrighting opportunities and online sources that prevent image theft first.
By finished, I mean that I finished the graphic part of it. I don't really have the money (or any money) right now to get them framed and arranged on a wall to fully complete the project. But the taxing part is finished.
for my sanity though, I'm going to have to get out of here soon.
Well, I know I haven't posted in quite awhile. That would be because I really haven't had much to say (and when I have, I haven't been in a sharing mood.)
I officially despise jobhunting. Mostly because I've interviewed with some of the most high-profile non profit organizations in the country and I've gotten rave reviews, continuous praise and positive feedback. Yet I still don't have a job. It's always "We think you are great and it was a pleasure having you interview with us. We've just filled the position, but I hope you'll consider (insert org name here) for future opportunities!
Every time.
I'm sick of 24 hour marathon trips to DC and back. It is tiring and expensive. I'm sick of being here in NC, which I hate, with no friends and nothing to do but continue to look for jobs. And I despise the fact that it isn't this difficult for others. Sure, there are thousands of people my age, doing the very thing I'm doing and having the same luck. But I'm not stupid; I am well aware that it all comes down to who you know. I only hope that the people I am meeting and the good impressions I am making will come to work in my favor - sooner rather than later.
I'm waiting to hear back about an job I interviewed for on monday. And I have another interview pending, if schedules can ever be coordinated (problem isn't on my end, for sure.) Keep your fingers crossed. They are both good jobs, and both would get me out of here by the end of the month. Finding a place to live is a whole other can of worms since no matter what job I take, I'll be flat broke after the nearly $10,000 I'll be paying in taxes per year.
If I didn't have it in my head to get out there and 'change the world' I'd totally get a crazy haircut and a bunch of tattoos and be a painter or something, and ignore everything else. Speaking of paintings, the one I've been working on has become very linear and it is making me nauseous.
As crappy as it is now, I know everything will work out. When it does, it will be better than great.
