(ETA - I took this post down after I published it. I had some reservations about putting this out there knowing that people I know do in fact read my blog. However, ultimately I've decided that this is my blog - my space - and anyone reading it should understand that. It isn't up for debate. This post is an example of my liberty with this space. Nothing I write here is gospel, and just as I change every day, the validity and accuracy and representative nature of this blog changes with me. It represents me in the moment that I put it up there, and is a reflection and snapshot of where I am at any moment. While I often share things that are personal or that I think might be influential or interesting to others, when it comes down to it this blog is a personal one. I've blocked comments on this post because I posted this for me. If you're not okay with that, don't read it. :)
So I have this perpetual problem, and I'm at a loss.
I put a lot of effort into being the kind of person and the kind of friend that I want to be around (treat others as you want to be treated..). And I know what kind of friends I want to have, because I have a few of them, though they live very far away. The problem I have is that when I make new friends, or meet new people, I'm not worth their actual time. It's fine for a text message or a chat or an email, but when it comes to their actual time they somehow don't have any/don't care to make any for me.
What is the point of being friends with someone you don't actually want to spend time with?
Now, I'm not just supporting this claim with the fact that I'm rarely called or invited or whatever to go out and do things, but also with the fact that 99% of the time when I initiate an idea or suggest going out or call up to say "let's hang out!" no one is interested. If I'm really pushy about it, I might go out with one of my friends one night or for a couple of hours, in the course of about 5 weeks of me inviting/suggesting/initiating hanging out. I'm not an incredibly social person, and I don't have or want a TON of friends. Having a small circle of friends, and few who actually live in my city, makes this really frustrating.
I know that everyone says busy people - people with their own lives - have more friends because they are more attractive to others. I have my own life, and I don't think this is the root of my problem (though I used to). I have plenty of hobbies, and plenty of activities, as well as a full time job. I read, I play my guitar, I cook, I paint, I do yoga, and I try to get outside whenever I can. I'm not out of loop of pop culture. I have plenty to do, but some of these things end up being solitary activities.
Is it is a confidence issue? No. I will be the first to tell you that I'm proud of who I am and I will not apologize for who I am. Internally I am extremely focused on self-improvement. I'm always finding ways to be better at being me, and I'm always doing the best I can. I also think that confidence is one of the most attractive things anyone can possess, and it is not only free, but there is almost no reason for anyone not to have it.
I've been told over and over that I should just get used to enjoying spending time alone. The people who have told me this are people who rarely get alone time, and don't understand the fact that I live alone, and that doing things by myself is something that I do more often than not, and that I already appreciate. Most people (to the best that I can observe from people I know) spend about 60% of their time with others - not including the work day - and 40% of their time alone. More or less depending on the living situation, or the personality. I'm not missing the standard 40%. I'm missing the 60% where I have people to hang out with all the time.
I'm not a difficult person (that I know of). I'm not hard to please, and I won't usually complain about going anywhere if I'm with people I enjoy. I don't think I create or bring drama. And while I AM quiet, and it takes a little to get to know me, I also don't think I'm boring to be around. That being said, I'm always conscious of this and always trying to be as amicable and sociable as possible.
And maybe I'm just picking the wrong people, but it's hard for me to think that people who enjoy talking to me or seem to like me don't want to spend time with me. This is a problem I've had for years, and while I had close friends in High School, that was probably the last time I knew anyone who regularly wanted to hang out with me. I go through this over and over trying to understand. I've gotten past the difficulty in making friends, in meeting new people, in finding enjoyment instead of being uncomfortable in new situations.
I'm not a burden to be around. I don't think I require a lot of attention. I don't drink heavily, or have a crisis in the middle of a good time, I don't make other people pay for me, I don't make a scene, and I might be a little dorky but I'm not going to get anyone in trouble. I'm not messy, I have good hygiene, and I'm not the type to hover around when I'm in a bad mood and ruin everyone else's time. I've got myself together, and I look out for myself, and I try to take care of my friends when they need me.
I think this is magnified for me right now since some of my closer friends recently moved away. It isn't any less relevant though, and it is very overwhelming.
For the most part I just concede that people forget about me; it happens, and I know that the people I tend to be friends with are much more social than I am. But I don't want to be friends with anyone - putting as much energy into friendship as I do - who doesn't want to be friends with me.
I don't truly believe that there is anything wrong with my friends. I love them, and I think they are great people. I can't help but wonder though, when I spend my birthday alone again, or when I have something huge to celebrate, or when I go multiple days without even speaking to other people (except random folks like the bus driver), why is it me who falls by the wayside?
Part of me feels like this is a very 'middle school' issue, but I'm always surprised how much the compounding of the situation upsets me.
I must be missing something.
