Ozarks

One week ago today, I was in Arkansas with Anne. Before I left, I looked at the state on google maps with satellite view. And boy, if you think it's beautiful from above, you should see it in real life.

I was very sad to have to leave.

Get Out The Map

I neglected this thing for quite a while last year, but things are looking up!
I'm currently working on a plan that will take me on a trip/adventure of some sort every month of this year. I have always said there were places I wanted to have been and things I wanted to have seen before I turned 25, and well, that isn't so far away now. My circumstances are such that it should be fairly easy to facilitate traveling, with friends in numerous places around and no shortage of places to go.

The list of places I'd like to go looks (so far) like this:
Portland & Mt. Hood
Seattle & Mt. Rainier
Yellowstone
Grand Canyon
San Francisco
Santa Barbara
Joshua Tree National Park
The Mississippi River
Historical Boston
Numerous places in NYC
Denali National Park
The Bahamas
Toronto, ON and Vancouver, BC
The Yukon Territory & the Aurora Borealis
Guatemala
Chile
The Galapagos
Portugal
Northern Ireland/Belfast/Giant's Causeway
Norway and the great Fjords
Copenhagen
Germany
France
Romania
Tibet
Thailand
Australia

I'd also like to revisit Ireland (the Republic), take a drive through Vermont/New Hampshire during the peak of fall colors, and see all of the great lakes.

guess I'd better get started...

:)

I've been doing a lot of thinking about what I want.
Things that I want that are within my control.
I've also come to realize that my environment has a considerable influence on my happiness.


I want to live in a city, in the shadow of a mountain, on the edge of the sea.

I want fresh air and space, and at the same time the contrasting bustle of a lot of people in a small area.

I want to drive across the country, and stop to see all the great places and wonders that I've missed.

I want to know what it's like to experience such great things with another person.

This is a serious offer - any takers?

I opened my hand and she held it like sinking sand...

So I haven't blogged in awhile.
Because my life has been changing...rather, I've been changing in it.
A lot.

For one, I finally got ahold of On a Clear Night (Missy Higgins' new album).
I can't stop listening to it, even when I turn it off. Everywhere I go her songs are echoing in my head and sometimes I can't think of anything else. Missy is one of those artists who, being the same age as me is inevitably experiencing similar things in her life and her songs reflect that. Consequently, I can relate to almost everything she writes about with an incredible capacity. This along with everything else in my life is overwhelming.
I've had days sitting at work when I can't focus because of it all.
I believe though, most of it constitutes what was coined by Sara Quin as "femotion".
It isn't real emotion, it's femotion.

Anyway, so Missy Higgins, big deal cause finding a new artist you really connect with does that right?

I'm also coming to terms with the fact that I'm at a stage in my life where I can do anything, even though I sometimes cloister myself out of habit. Staying in, not going places because I don't have anyone to go with, not doing things because it isn't the same to do them alone... or just because the city is new and different. It's the devil I know, and have known for a long time. It's the devil I was brought up to respect, in fact. I have the fear of god in me and my parents never intended me to be a risk-taker. It's a frightening revelation to come to, because it means that I have a long way to go, and it means I have to get out and do things I know are going to make me uncomfortable, and that aren't going to be fun. Things that go against my cautious conscience, outside my comfort zone. And that I'm going to have to do most of those things alone because there is no other way to move ahead.

About a week ago I was walking out of my apartment building at 8:15am as I do every morning, and some old Melissa Etheridge song came on. All I remember was hearing her say "believe in your existence". For some reason, all of a sudden, I decided to do just that. From that moment I have felt every footstep, every cold breeze. I have heard every word spoken to me, and I have walked, talked, spoken and acted as if I was noticeable.

It never occurred to me before today that perhaps I felt invisible because I was acting that way.
I wish someone had said something. Then again, if they had I probably wouldn't have believed them.

I'm changing the way I make decisions. I'm changing which doors I choose to open, and which opportunities I'm going to take. I'm rethinking how I spend my time.
I'm going to explore every boundary, every limit, and every potential happiness. At the age of 22 it is wrong for me to deny myself those experiences. Besides, as it stands I've got a whole lot of nothing to talk about.
I'm looking beyond my job, which I hate, and the fact that I've let the dishes pile up (and the laundry as well) for a little longer than is convenient. I'm looking at the fact that I can't meet new people and learn new things if all I do every weekend is sleep late, make pancakes, clean my apartment, and do laundry ..."responsible things."

Another thing - a new friend recently appeared in my life. Isn't it amazing how people just come in and out of view, like stars in the sky that appear on different nights? She has given me a gift that I couldn't give myself - through her I have been reunited with books. Books were quite possibly my first great love, but through a series of unfortunate encounters in High School, we grew apart. Thanks to this new friend, I've found the first fiction book in more than 5 years that I can't put down. It speaks to me, in my own language...that language that you see in my paintings that everyone says is marvelous but they really have no idea what it means. The book pulls to me, like a paper clip to a magnet. I'm laughing out loud reading it, and crying too. It's neither comedy nor tragedy. It's just good.

Finally, I did something today that made me feel secretly rogue and adventurous.
I went to b&n to get my new book, and I also intended to sit down with the new Postsecret book (anyone who knows me at all knows I love Postsecret). I got my books, my coffee and my scone. There was no place left to sit.
I was really bummed, but I kept walking around the store, hoping a table would open up. One never did, but I sat down in a corner in the back of the store and flipped through the book for a while. Before I checked out, I put two of my own secrets in the copy I had been looking back, and put it back on the shelf. I bought a different copy. I feel as though it is some sort of currency, these secrets. In exchange for all the secrets I'm about to find out about, I put some of my own out there.
It's incredibly liberating to know that someone out there might already know my secrets, even though they don't know they are mine.
Try it sometime.

so my life is feeling unusually new and fresh.
and exciting and scary. and lonely and full.

So my rug is covered in cat-hair because I haven't vacuumed, and my sheets need to be changed. I need to do laundry and wash dishes. But I don't care, because I feel remarkably alive!

Goodbye for awhile
I'm off to explore
every boundary
and every door

if you love something let it go...

In the last 24 hours I've gone in search of support to two of the people i most respect in my life, and whom i trusted most not only to be honest with me but also to give me the benefit of a doubt and to build me up.

Both of those friends questioned my judgment, demeaned my feelings and honestly made me second guess myself.

For the first time in my life I'm not sitting back and waiting; I'm leaving all of my comfort zones, and I'm doing things that I never would otherwise do because this means so much to me.

If you don't agree, say so. But please be supportive, and be confident in me as I always am in you. I deserve to be happy every bit as much as you do, and I am every bit as capable of achieving that happiness as you are and have been. I have worked very hard to stand by you even when things were tumultuous. I have taken heat for simply associating with you. And I've done it because I respect you and because you mean a lot to me.

This is the area in which I am least confident in my life, and as such this is when i need you the most. I don't feel as though it's any great challenge to rise to the occasion here.

I sometimes wish i had a magic 8 ball for life, so that whenever I had a dire question I could have the answer. Unfortunately I have to figure everything out for myself, just as you have done. You wouldn't be where you are without the support of your friends. What makes me any different?

I'm over toxic friendships, but somedays it seems like that's just about all that I have.


I live my life with absolutely no regrets, because every decision i make is thought through and considered, and made with such incredible conviction that i will always be confident i made the best possible decision i could with my knowledge and judgment. My head and my heart tell me the same thing, and while i have learned and will learn many more hard lessons in life I'll stay in the same place if I can't gain the confidence and support to move forward.


On that note, i refer you to my previous post for a lesson in priorities.

How can you be mad? we just got started!

Never Allow Someone To Be Your Priority When You Are Nothing More Than Her Option.


i should have learned this lesson a thousand heartbreaks ago. in fact, there's probably some point in every day in which my application of this idea would greatly change the outcome of a situation in which i otherwise end up disappointed or upset.


On the other hand, those few people who do make you a priority, especially when it isn't convenient, should be cherished beyond belief. always. Those moments when you know that your friends care about you, or care about things that are important to you (even if it is in their own disfunctional way) are precious and are perhaps the most honest moments of your life.

As well, always allow your friends to see you, through and through. Honesty is rare and golden. As is friendship. real friendship, i should specify.


T/S note of the day: the youtube feed is cool. check it out. but i'm embedding this video, because it's the best version i've found, and because it's my current favorite t/s song...



Musician recommendation of the day (credit in part to my "new friend"): Edie Carey
she's folksy, sounds like catie curtis, and is apparently on a first name basis with melissa ferrick. something about diapers and cats (i dunno; ask new friend!)



Also, I will rarely do this, but...
shout to new friend, as well, for being there. you didn't know it, but you showed up right when i needed it the most. Thank you :)