What's in a Day?

(in case you needed to know, image is from someecards)

Today is my birthday. I'm 24. One of my closest friends remembered, and my mother couldn't even be bothered to call. What does that mean?

I tried to think of something substantial, thoughtful, insightful even to post today. I've been trying to ignore or somehow overcome the fact that it's my birthday. No such luck.

I've been focused for the last few years on managing my expectations of other people. I believe firmly that this is key to being a happy person. I'm gradually moving from the very type-a, anxious, hyper-sensitive person I was as a teenager to a very zen, reasonable, compassionate and present individual. My entire life I've held myself to exceptional (and sometimes admittedly unreasonable) standards. And while I have resigned myself to the aspect of my character that gives too much for too long - and this is another pontification in itself, for another day - it is much harder to let go of the disappointment that inevitably creeps up to me when people I'm close to don't meet the expectations that I didn't know I still had for them.

I've come a long way in this effort. In fact I would say that 90 percent of the time I genuinely have no expectations of others, and I'm able to appreciate the humanity and reality of whatever the present moment offers no matter how ideal it may be. But I find conflict on a day like my birthday.

I think on one hand that if it is my birthday, the only people to whom that truly impacts are myself (having been born on that day) and my mom (having given birth to me on that day) and as such there is no logical reason that anyone else should or would care. An intimate occasion we may or may not like to commemorate. Perfectly rational.

On the other hand, the whole point of birthdays is celebrating the existence of people you care about. I have no reason to celebrate my own existence on my birthday more than any other day of the year - I am always myself, and always grateful I am alive! I am reminded every day when I wake up - so the cultural celebration of birthdays is socially centered. And in this society of cell phones and email and social networking, what excuse is there not to recognize someone's birthday? It requires so little effort anymore.

All in all, I don't celebrate a lot of birthdays. I wasn't raised with big birthday parties, most of my friends have small celebrations or live too far away for everyone to get together, and my own birthday falls at an awkward time of the year so parties were not a realistic option when I was growing up. Today really isn't any different. I don't want to give the impression that I'm upset about my birthday; I've celebrated this way for the last three years, and today was just like a regular Saturday for me. I feel quite ambivalent about the topic. Psychologically and intellectually I'm hovering somewhere between absolute apathy and absolute despair - too far from either one to really touch any emotion about it. I think the concept is interesting though. Like Valentine's Day, I sometimes wonder if we establish (or in the case of birthdays, maintain) these celebrations and holidays as a way of holding on to social structure and some type of conformity.

In honor my own birthday this year, those are my thoughts on the subject.

A snapshot of me at 24:
living in Washington DC; finishing reading The God Delusion, The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao; listening to Tracy Chapman, Doria Roberts, Ladytron, the Blow, Kaki King, Alix Olson; the first thing I do when I wake up in the AM is drink a glass of water;the last thing I do before I go to bed is read. I'm really into general tso's chicken with fried rice and hot mustard. I haven't painted in about 4 weeks. maybe 6.
As soon as it is warm enough, I am buying a bike (technically for my birthday, but the weather is gross today!).

Happy Birthday.