So I haven't blogged in awhile.
Because my life has been changing...rather, I've been changing in it.
A lot.
For one, I finally got ahold of On a Clear Night (Missy Higgins' new album).
I can't stop listening to it, even when I turn it off. Everywhere I go her songs are echoing in my head and sometimes I can't think of anything else. Missy is one of those artists who, being the same age as me is inevitably experiencing similar things in her life and her songs reflect that. Consequently, I can relate to almost everything she writes about with an incredible capacity. This along with everything else in my life is overwhelming.
I've had days sitting at work when I can't focus because of it all.
I believe though, most of it constitutes what was coined by Sara Quin as "femotion".
It isn't real emotion, it's femotion.
Anyway, so Missy Higgins, big deal cause finding a new artist you really connect with does that right?
I'm also coming to terms with the fact that I'm at a stage in my life where I can do anything, even though I sometimes cloister myself out of habit. Staying in, not going places because I don't have anyone to go with, not doing things because it isn't the same to do them alone... or just because the city is new and different. It's the devil I know, and have known for a long time. It's the devil I was brought up to respect, in fact. I have the fear of god in me and my parents never intended me to be a risk-taker. It's a frightening revelation to come to, because it means that I have a long way to go, and it means I have to get out and do things I know are going to make me uncomfortable, and that aren't going to be fun. Things that go against my cautious conscience, outside my comfort zone. And that I'm going to have to do most of those things alone because there is no other way to move ahead.
About a week ago I was walking out of my apartment building at 8:15am as I do every morning, and some old Melissa Etheridge song came on. All I remember was hearing her say "believe in your existence". For some reason, all of a sudden, I decided to do just that. From that moment I have felt every footstep, every cold breeze. I have heard every word spoken to me, and I have walked, talked, spoken and acted as if I was noticeable.
It never occurred to me before today that perhaps I felt invisible because I was acting that way.
I wish someone had said something. Then again, if they had I probably wouldn't have believed them.
I'm changing the way I make decisions. I'm changing which doors I choose to open, and which opportunities I'm going to take. I'm rethinking how I spend my time.
I'm going to explore every boundary, every limit, and every potential happiness. At the age of 22 it is wrong for me to deny myself those experiences. Besides, as it stands I've got a whole lot of nothing to talk about.
I'm looking beyond my job, which I hate, and the fact that I've let the dishes pile up (and the laundry as well) for a little longer than is convenient. I'm looking at the fact that I can't meet new people and learn new things if all I do every weekend is sleep late, make pancakes, clean my apartment, and do laundry ..."responsible things."
Another thing - a new friend recently appeared in my life. Isn't it amazing how people just come in and out of view, like stars in the sky that appear on different nights? She has given me a gift that I couldn't give myself - through her I have been reunited with books. Books were quite possibly my first great love, but through a series of unfortunate encounters in High School, we grew apart. Thanks to this new friend, I've found the first fiction book in more than 5 years that I can't put down. It speaks to me, in my own language...that language that you see in my paintings that everyone says is marvelous but they really have no idea what it means. The book pulls to me, like a paper clip to a magnet. I'm laughing out loud reading it, and crying too. It's neither comedy nor tragedy. It's just good.
Finally, I did something today that made me feel secretly rogue and adventurous.
I went to b&n to get my new book, and I also intended to sit down with the new Postsecret book (anyone who knows me at all knows I love Postsecret). I got my books, my coffee and my scone. There was no place left to sit.
I was really bummed, but I kept walking around the store, hoping a table would open up. One never did, but I sat down in a corner in the back of the store and flipped through the book for a while. Before I checked out, I put two of my own secrets in the copy I had been looking back, and put it back on the shelf. I bought a different copy. I feel as though it is some sort of currency, these secrets. In exchange for all the secrets I'm about to find out about, I put some of my own out there.
It's incredibly liberating to know that someone out there might already know my secrets, even though they don't know they are mine.
Try it sometime.
so my life is feeling unusually new and fresh.
and exciting and scary. and lonely and full.
So my rug is covered in cat-hair because I haven't vacuumed, and my sheets need to be changed. I need to do laundry and wash dishes. But I don't care, because I feel remarkably alive!
Goodbye for awhile
I'm off to explore
every boundary
and every door
